When reflecting on the decade that was (my 40s) as the day begins on this final day, I find I have been blessed by the presence of many angels (working through a wonderful group of people) throughout these past 10 years. It has been this support that has called me to stand on thresholds and be drawn in new directions, being able to accept my own ambivalence and my contradictions as part of my essence in a space where conformity was the directive. This allowed healing. If we don’t find or allow healing, then we fester, and festering makes us rot from the inside out. In so many ways today we pick at our wounds (which is something we were always told not to do by our wise maternal influences) and even when we don’t there are those who do it for us and pick, pick, pick until it opens wider than before. It is those angels masquerading as humans whose compassionate kindness pours balm on those wounds that I give thanks for today. For when we are wounded, we tend to retreat into safety and shy away from the wildness that takes us into the other, away from what is safe, where we can be warriors. And the world needs warriors.
There are angels in my life that have seen what was not visible; what a gift is this to have people open their kind eyes to the unseen suffering before them and smile with compassion on a hidden brokenness. This is the goodness that allows us to embrace what is awkward within and dance courageously to the beat of our own drum (even if it lacks rhythm). It certainly allowed me to see the dignity that presides in my soul and confirmed my own worth which is a gift that is infinite and cannot be revoked.
So much lies within the human spirit, within the heart, that is so much more than words and ‘ticking boxes’. I believe there is (as Solomon says) a ‘love no flood can quench’, not romantic love but a love within each person and this is the love that needs to be protected and nurtured, this is the love that our angels protect. The love that emanates from within but is called to live beyond our being and to echo in the hallways of creation.
What have I learnt in the past 10 years? I think we are all reflections. With all the religious reading I do I have lost count of the number of times I have read about humanity being a reflection of God and how we reflect divinity differently. Personally, I needed a little more science in this. Humanity is primarily a diffuse reflection from our rough surface (not only of the divine but of all we encounter). Our reflections go in all different directions because we are not some neat smooth surfaces. One of the greatest learnings I derived from this was that humanity’s flaws are where our greatest strengths grow. God could not have made a mistake (in my mind) and so our flaws must be for a reason. It has been in my flaws, from the pain they cause, that I have learnt perhaps a little humility and strength and it is through being flawed and accepting ‘this is reality’ whilst striving to improve that I have flourished. For what good is there in saying we are all flawed, this is one of my flaws please accept it. No. We need to address them, love ourselves regardless of them, but always try and do better. For by doing better we are better. I like to think I am a better person today than I was 10 years ago and that is in tribute to the angels who journeyed with me through the darkest of times.
I have learnt that it is the kindness of others that powers the universe and keeps the world spinning on its axis. This is the indefatigable generator that gives us the energy to keep going when our batteries need a recharge (or a total replacement). Kindness is something that we cannot expect but our hearts crave, something we are called to be and to be without demanding recompense. Fortunately for myself, I have been blessed with some of the kindest people whose active compassion weaves a net to catch me when I fall. I have been in the position to compare this with the ‘kindness’ that comes with a cost – where ‘gratitude’ and ‘conformity’ are the currency and without these being paid the ‘kindness’ does not simply cease it becomes menacing. This exists in the world and is one of the greatest harms as it slides unseen into our psyche and like an open wound poison us from within. It is that true kindness, given freely and without charge, that is the most underrated agent of human change.
What will the next 10 years hold? Who knows! It doesn’t matter really. I know from what I have learnt this past decade that there are some amazing people out there and if I am open to that generous kindness every struggle will not be alone and every celebration will be ever more joyous because of the wonderful individuals who celebrate with me. For joy, that expression of God’s goodness, the net of love, is an attitude that can defy any circumstance, and is something many acts of kindness have brought me even if I have not had the words to express my gratitude, but as Shakespeare said, ‘silence is the greatest herald of joy, I were but little happy if I could say how much.’ So please take all my previous silences as testament to how much joy your kindness has wrought.
I wish I were better at going gently amid the noise and haste, but patience is a work in progress for me and my passion often drives me with a narrow determination. I do want to bring more clearly the Desiderata into my daily life:
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
I feel ready to embark on the pilgrimage that will be my 50s. In the words of Australian poet Michael Leunig:
God lead us to the slow path; to the joyous insights of the pilgrim; another way of knowing; another way of being. Amen.
The Female Theologian 