The Female Theologian

No other death in history has had the everlasting impact of Jesus. This moment in time forever shapes our world.

This act. This sacrifice. This moment we remember brings us the gift of hope. A gift we wake up to every day.

Gift is such a common word. Who doesn’t love a gift? But we tend to think of gifts as material things. The gift we receive from that first Easter is the gift of Salvation. The promise that there is more to life than basic existence. That we can fall down and fail – but we can get back up –because we have the hope that there exists the possibility that tomorrow will be better, that no matter our imperfections and flaws we are loved. We are loved infinitely.

We look at images of Jesus on the cross and it is a suffering that is beyond our own comprehension. It’s the sort of gift that takes your breath away because it is something you would never ask for because it is so much. It cost so much.

As people we are called to give and receive so we should consider – what is our gift to God?

If we think about the gift of Salvation – we can never give something of equal value – we do not have the capacity. So, we need to ask what gift would be meaningful?

Possibly the greatest gift a person can give is time. So let us make this our gift to God – this moment in time. That we will take these minutes out here and gift it to God – be present to God – present to the rituals of the passion that will be presented throughout the Easter liturgies and present to the prayer within our hearts to the God who loves us with no limit.  

In the Gospel of Matthew we read:

“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.”

Whilst today we have various understandings about the symbol of the wolf – in Jesus’ time it was a threat to the flock. If we are the sheep, we are threatened by the wolf. The wolf will tear us to pieces and devour. Sheep were valuable and valued in ancient Jewish culture. It was the lamb without blemish that was the purest offering to God. It was the sheep that would be at the right hand when Judgement came. The sheep needs to be protected – that is why there were shepherds.

Beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Not simply beware the wolf. Beware the danger that lies hidden and disguised. To put on ‘sheep’s clothing’ and pretend to be something one is not is a deliberate act. This is a warning that rings true for all of history. Beware those who are not honest and pretend to be like you so they can destroy you. I think it is worth thinking about the end result. It is not that you will be like the wolf – it is you will be no more – you will be devoured. What a loss – let us remember that the good shepherd will leave the 99 to find the one lost sheep – that is how precious each of us are.

Today I suggest the wolf is not necessarily a person. What are the current-day ‘wolves’ that destroy us? Things that seem so ‘innocent and meek’ on the surface but then they devour us? Pride? Ambition? Security? We are raised to seek security in western society – to plan for the future, to provide a certain level of comfort and opportunity for our family, to earn a lifestyle. Ambition is often seen as a positive as it spurs us to act and to do, rather than to spectate on the saga in the arena, but I have one word to remind us of the danger of unchecked ambition – Macbeth. Pride? We are told to take pride in our appearance, pride in our community etc but pride is one of the seven deadly sins – what a troublesome word that is! Pride can be wonderful and affirming and spur us to be the best self but pride can also be toxic creating cliques that destroy and tear- down.

What is your wolf that stands before you as an innocent lamb?

The Lenten journey today is individualised. In the past it was fairly straightforward – you fasted, you prayed, you gave. Now it seems to be ‘what will I give up’ rather than this is what we do. Let’s face it – one person’s Lenten fast is probably another person’s meal of choice. The choice to go without has to mean something to the person, I think. It is not a diet. It has to stem from the desire to be closer to God. How does giving something up bring us closer to God? It comes from intention. If you give something up with the intention that you do it as part of a time of active prayer and giving, it represents (in a way) the inner commitment in a physical or outward way. If it is not part of prayer and giving then is it just a secularised version of religious tradition? Something you do and you kind of hope it takes away with it a couple of the extra kilos from Christmas and New Year.

The focus should not be ‘what am I giving up for Lent’ but how will I commit to reconciling my imperfect self with my God? That is after all what the Lenten journey is about – reconciliation. Reconciliation is more than saying sorry. It is a reunification. It brings back together what was once one that is now broken, cracked or fragmented. Deep down we know the things we do that separate us from God and yet he welcomes us every time we want to step back into his infinite love. So a key part of Lent is the commitment to stop doing those things. That is hard. It is far easier to go without chocolate or wine than to change our practice or way of speaking or thinking. This is the real Lenten journey.

Let it begin.

Yesterday my year 12s were blessed to have Fr William talk to them about the Sacred and how the Chapel is a Sacred Space. Whilst there are many aspects to reflect on when considering a concept as huge as Sacred there is one I wish to reflect on today. When we enter Chapel we do so making a gesture of humility as we enter into a space to be present with our God. Absolutely we should be humble before God who is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent and we are but creatures of dust. We aspire and fail, aspire and fail, and then aspire some more. But I think the blessing of our humility is that flawed as we are, we are infinitely loved by God. Therein (for me) lies the crux of humility – that one so limited is loved by one so infinite. That this love exists as no result for any endeavour I have undertaken and will not dissipate through my flaws. It is something beyond the comprehension of words I think, but in this sense of the Sacred we are invited into relationship with God. This is why a true love of self is not arrogant, true love of self brings humility. I turn to St Paul in his letter to the Corinthians:

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous,

it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own

interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood

over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but

rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,

endures all things.

Love never fails.

To some extent humanity has taken the idea of love and (like many things) secularised it. The truth is we cannot love ourselves as God does, because we are not God. But we can find the space to remember and be grateful for that love – whether that be in a defined sacred space, out in the world God created or in a quiet moment of reflection inwards where distraction fades.

I think that as we approach Lent it is a good time to think about how we can ‘step-into’ that love that exists all the time – even if we don’t always think about it.

Recently I heard in a homily – the evil in the world exists because of the discrepancy between our words and our deeds. It struck such a chord that I took my phone out and typed it in so I would not forget. Further comment that adds to the context was that we are not a people of amnesia. That we have not forgotten everything. It really is a choice.

Consistency. This word is mentioned in so many arenas and I think it warrants a mention in our personal approach sphere. How many times have you heard someone say something about another that is the exact opposite to your experience of that person? I have several times and logically I know therefore that this must also be the case for myself. We are not consistent in how we treat others. But, if our values and beliefs direct our actions why is this so? Should we not treat all equally? We don’t. So what directs our actions if not our values and beliefs?

Is it possible our values and beliefs no longer influence us as we expect? If so – what then holds this power of influence? I think of the letter of the law part of the Gospels where Jesus challenges the pharisees and suggests to enter heaven we need to do more than the letter of the law is important. Too many times today we tick boxes and call ourselves just and full of integrity. Integrity comes from within not from how we are perceived. So if we know that our love and compassion has to come from our hearts and within why do we not afford this lens to all our interactions?

A bit ‘judgy’ aren’t we? A bit reactionary. A bit emotional. Perhaps it is our emotions that have surpassed our values and beliefs in directing our actions, which is why we are not acting as we know is right ‘consistently’.

We have limited control over our emotions so why allow them to control our actions and our words?

In South Australia we currently are experiencing a spike in Covid-19 cases and as it made me think of the difference between the need to think ‘big picture’ but then also the impact this has on individuals. It seems to be a Catch-22 where we need to have decision-makers who think of the big picture and don’t lose sight of forward planning by the emotional connection and plight of the immediate, but it is in the every-day that we truly make a difference. As a (I’d like to say mathematician but I don’t feel qualified – my degree was too long ago and it is not an active component of my daily life) logical thinker who has been blessed with an education around mathematical thought and processes, I know that we need to engage in modelling and optimisation and there are mathematical and logical processes and calculations that help project outcomes in a potentially viable model – even to the point of considering anomalies etc and adjusting equations to consider this; but from working with people and sharing their journeys I know that it is the emotional connections, not the abstract, that keep those ‘on the ground’ hopeful for the future and willing to adopt measures that ‘big-picture thinkers’ assure us will project the most positive outcome for the majority. So for the big-picture process to work we need individuals to feel connected to the process, but we need to look beyond the immediate if we are to navigate our way forward. A tricky cycle.

As is often the case Jesus is the example to follow. Who else in history has seen the big picture, known it, been a big part of it and yet has taken the time on a daily basis to engage with the everyday and connect with those who stand to be marginalized by some who suggest they have the big-picture? The thing I keep coming back to is that Jesus was the great includer. Yes I know that is not a real word but it has been a phrase that arose in my brain decades ago, from where I don’t recall, and it remains the phrase I associate him with the most. The Great Includer.

One of the challenges inherent in big-pictures is that many of us don’t feel included or that our voices are heard. This leads to a question of – am I valued – do I matter? Inclusion is potentially the greatest step forward humanity can make in actualizing human dignity. We all have it apparently – not all feel this is true and let’s be honest – not all act like it is true. If I am a part of something bigger then I can do the wrong thing and be told that without it rocking my fragile sense of self-worth. What would this do for our collective mental health? How can we paint ourselves (or others) into this big picture?

This is the challenge I want to see taken up in 2022 – how can we be more collectively and individually inclusive? Who can you include that currently you do not? Who can authority include that currently has no or little voice? How can we all open our ears, and then open our arms, our hearts and our mouths to invite them in whilst working together to build a safe and prosperous tomorrow? It is very likely that someone who has felt excluded will run from the first offer of inclusion but then surely it lies with the inner sanctum to offer again and again, finding new methods, because as a global humanity we need to make sure that our big picture does not erase any of our image.

A new beginning.

Our lives are full of new beginnings. When things change in our professional, familial, social world we embark on new ‘chapters’ and yet we are guaranteed of this one new beginning every 365 days. Perhaps it is this consistency that allows us to take it somewhat for granted. We develop our annual rites of passage to mark the transition from one year into the next. It really is a time to reflect on the year that was and set goals or intentions for the year that is about to begin.

I felt drawn to the Book of Joshua – that transition from Moses to Joshua and from wandering in the desert into the Promised Land.

‘Be strong and stand firm, for you are the man to give this people possession of the land that I swore to their fathers I should give to them. Only be strong and stand firm and be careful to keep all the Law which my servant Moses laid on you. Never swerve from this to right or left, and then you will be happy in all you do. Have the book of this Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may carefully keep everything that is written in it. Then you will prosper in your dealings, then you will have success.

Have I not told you: Be strong and stand firm? Be fearless then, be confident, for go where you will, the Lord your God is with you.’

Firstly, when thinking about the Jewish covenant with God, I transfer this concept to my Christian world view. I don’t tend to frame it in the context of a covenant or an agreement, but socio-culturally my context is vastly different to the time when this was the semantics. I enter into a relationship with God. It essentially is just like (I think) the OT Covenant. The word ‘relationship’ is bandied about today a lot. In education it is all about building relationships with students so they feel safe and can learn. In life we build relationships with people we find some affinity with as we seek connection. How is my relationship with God different to all this?

In daily life if the other person does not put effort or put ‘in’ to the relationship ultimately we will walk away, we reach that point when it just seems hollow and one-sided, or it will just fade into insignificance and die a natural death. I cannot speak to how God puts ‘in’ to our relationship, nor can I explain how I feel like God is there, all I can do is think about how do I put into our relationship?

Communication is always important in relationships. I pray. I make time for God. I think about God (possibly not as much as I should). Mostly though, when I think about what I put in – I bring this understanding that this relationship is grounded eternally in a love that cannot ever fade away to nothing, that it is a part of who I am and even if the ground disappears beneath my feet the foundation of this relationship will always exist. I would have to not exist for this relationship to not exist. That may make no sense to some but it is what it is, just as I am who I am. This sense I have experienced with other people to a lesser degree. I’m sure many have. We have those friendships or relationships that go untouched for periods of time but then when you communicate again the glimmer of love and connection is as bright as it was when contact was daily, there is something within that will remain with you for life. When I enter into relationship I allow that person to take up some residence in my heart or my soul and this is the centre from which I determine the me I want to be. And isn’t this the time to think about who we want to be this year?

Like Joshua, I have understandings that I need to keep with me and not just store them, allowing this to shape my current responses to things – if we do not use our knowledge it becomes a dusty book on a shelf in a digitized world. Let’s face it – we know a lot of stuff, but we do not allow all of this knowledge to influence our decision making processes, we are called to be selective. So what will I bring with me from 2021 (and the years leading up to this)? What does it mean for me to prosper and have success? I have never really been one to carry purely academic knowledge with me. Even with my mathematics background it has been more my ability to apply reason and seek to prove and to analyze that I carry rather than theorems and concepts. I hope to carry that desire to seek the truth and to prove that it is truth (to myself and sometimes to others). I have always loved literature and the deeper meaning inherent in symbolism. That too I wish to bring into 2022. Over the past decade I have a growing element in my relationship with the world. It is not all about me. Previously, I admit, I have essentially looked on the world through a lens that wanted ‘me’ to be ok. Now I want my human dignity to be upheld and a part of that is I need to uphold the dignity of others. My dignity is inherently bound to the dignity of my global cousins (I use the word cousins as it is gender neutral and just kind of fits). My relationship with the world is not just me and the world – it is ‘us’, an all-encompassing ‘us’. I hear the words in the Book of Joshua: Be strong and stand firm. This is what I hope will shape my 2022.

What will you bring with you?

The last line of the reading humbles me a great deal.

Be fearless then, be confident, for go where you will, the Lord your God is with you.

I will fail. I will venture into situations willingly that do not uphold my dignity. I will act against all that I have written, cause harm, be broken and breaking. My words will at times bring no life only destruction. I know this. I don’t want it and I could say this year it won’t happen but this would be a lie. No matter how I try I will fail. In the words of Brene Brown failure is inevitable – you are going to fail. But ‘go where I will’ my God will not abandon me. This is the hope that buoys my heart and saves my soul. In the darkest moment, if I reach out, God will be there. That is our relationship.

Not everyone has this relationship with God. But everyone needs this sort of relationship. This is where humanity needs to pick up the baton. We need to be that quiet presence in the dark, but to do this we need to be aware of the dark which is not always visible. For don’t we all have that Macbeth moment at some point when we are ‘in blood stepp’d in so far that returning were as tedious as go o’er?’

Some of us are truly blessed with friends who often avert us from that path. Be grateful for them – they are such a blessing, like sunlight breaking through a canopy of trees and letting the colours shine through.

In 2022 I hope to see a world under construction where dignity is acknowledged for all, darkness is a place from which we can return and each person looks to be a blessing rather than be blessed. Together we can wade our way through Covid (in all its variants), counter the climate crisis, render racism to antiquity and pursue peace with all the passion of a bargain-hunter on Black Friday. Bring it on.

Firstly, a blessed Christmas to all. At the end of another globally confining year shaded by uncertainty and the fear of what is unknown may the hope of Christmas fill your hearts.

I’ve been trying to find a clear focus to write about but I keep coming back to children and joy. Let’s face it – every child is an infinite blessing – but this child – Jesus -is celebrated today because of Easter. As such the shadow of the cross appears simultaneously with the glory of the star of hope.

Jesus for me is the most powerful human to ever walk the earth. Just look at the impact he has had! We have Christmas because he was born (well really we have Christmas because he died). He was powerful in his humility. He taught us that humility is more powerful than giving commands. So often we desire and cling to authority but Jesus was the most innately powerful but embraced humility. What an un-Christian mess we are making: we even learn how to gain power today, we take courses on how to lead etc. so clearly we seek it, which is very un-Jesus-like, because we either want power or to be with powerful people. Power corrupts. For some reason tonight I keep thinking of the Scripture where Jesus says to the disciples to let the children come to him. It fits with Christmas as children make the most sense of Christmas. As parents don’t we do so much extra for our children and stand down and let others take the credit? Even when they are teenagers (and adults)! A bit humble really – but the most powerful act. We want them to feel special and to believe in something beyond the grey reality of daily life. Just for a moment to have a tangible view of how they are loved beyond measure. How many presents are from parents and how many from Santa? Don’t we do this as adults let alone as parents? Don’t we look to make children feel joy at this time? All children. Inclusion. We are more giving at this time of year than any other. Christmas is when we are so inclusive that no one is outside our sphere of love. All are welcome to be housed within that fence – no-one is deliberately made to stand outside looking in. This is the ONE time of the year we are like this. We hold onto power by excluding – but Christmas is ALL about humility and inclusion. Why is this once a year?

I feel really clouded and lacking clarity but if I could say anything this Christmas it is:

Humility is more powerful than authority.

Children are everything.

Love powers us to be more than we ever thought we could be.

We are richer when we believe in more than the immediate reality, if that something brings hope and encourages us to treat our fellow humans with love and compassion.

Personally, I think there is much that brings joy and much to bring hope. Let us hold onto hope and love and try and recapture that joy that is so overpowering as a child that we run away from at every opportunity as an adult.

Let there be joy this year. Be blessed. Be humble. Be compassionate. Go with love.

When reflecting on the decade that was (my 40s) as the day begins on this final day, I find I have been blessed by the presence of many angels (working through a wonderful group of people) throughout these past 10 years. It has been this support that has called me to stand on thresholds and be drawn in new directions, being able to accept my own ambivalence and my contradictions as part of my essence in a space where conformity was the directive. This allowed healing. If we don’t find or allow healing, then we fester, and festering makes us rot from the inside out. In so many ways today we pick at our wounds (which is something we were always told not to do by our wise maternal influences) and even when we don’t there are those who do it for us and pick, pick, pick until it opens wider than before. It is those angels masquerading as humans whose compassionate kindness pours balm on those wounds that I give thanks for today. For when we are wounded, we tend to retreat into safety and shy away from the wildness that takes us into the other, away from what is safe, where we can be warriors. And the world needs warriors.

There are angels in my life that have seen what was not visible; what a gift is this to have people open their kind eyes to the unseen suffering before them and smile with compassion on a hidden brokenness. This is the goodness that allows us to embrace what is awkward within and dance courageously to the beat of our own drum (even if it lacks rhythm). It certainly allowed me to see the dignity that presides in my soul and confirmed my own worth which is a gift that is infinite and cannot be revoked.

So much lies within the human spirit, within the heart, that is so much more than words and ‘ticking boxes’. I believe there is (as Solomon says) a ‘love no flood can quench’, not romantic love but a love within each person and this is the love that needs to be protected and nurtured, this is the love that our angels protect. The love that emanates from within but is called to live beyond our being and to echo in the hallways of creation.

What have I learnt in the past 10 years? I think we are all reflections. With all the religious reading I do I have lost count of the number of times I have read about humanity being a reflection of God and how we reflect divinity differently. Personally, I needed a little more science in this. Humanity is primarily a diffuse reflection from our rough surface (not only of the divine but of all we encounter). Our reflections go in all different directions because we are not some neat smooth surfaces. One of the greatest learnings I derived from this was that humanity’s flaws are where our greatest strengths grow. God could not have made a mistake (in my mind) and so our flaws must be for a reason. It has been in my flaws, from the pain they cause, that I have learnt perhaps a little humility and strength and it is through being flawed and accepting ‘this is reality’ whilst striving to improve that I have flourished. For what good is there in saying we are all flawed, this is one of my flaws please accept it. No. We need to address them, love ourselves regardless of them, but always try and do better. For by doing better we are better. I like to think I am a better person today than I was 10 years ago and that is in tribute to the angels who journeyed with me through the darkest of times.

I have learnt that it is the kindness of others that powers the universe and keeps the world spinning on its axis. This is the indefatigable generator that gives us the energy to keep going when our batteries need a recharge (or a total replacement). Kindness is something that we cannot expect but our hearts crave, something we are called to be and to be without demanding recompense. Fortunately for myself, I have been blessed with some of the kindest people whose active compassion weaves a net to catch me when I fall. I have been in the position to compare this with the ‘kindness’ that comes with a cost – where ‘gratitude’ and ‘conformity’ are the currency and without these being paid the ‘kindness’ does not simply cease it becomes menacing. This exists in the world and is one of the greatest harms as it slides unseen into our psyche and like an open wound poison us from within. It is that true kindness, given freely and without charge, that is the most underrated agent of human change.

What will the next 10 years hold? Who knows! It doesn’t matter really. I know from what I have learnt this past decade that there are some amazing people out there and if I am open to that generous kindness every struggle will not be alone and every celebration will be ever more joyous because of the wonderful individuals who celebrate with me. For joy, that expression of God’s goodness, the net of love, is an attitude that can defy any circumstance, and is something many acts of kindness have brought me even if I have not had the words to express my gratitude, but as Shakespeare said, ‘silence is the greatest herald of joy, I were but little happy if I could say how much.’  So please take all my previous silences as testament to how much joy your kindness has wrought.

I wish I were better at going gently amid the noise and haste, but patience is a work in progress for me and my passion often drives me with a narrow determination. I do want to bring more clearly the Desiderata into my daily life:

 Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.                                             

I feel ready to embark on the pilgrimage that will be my 50s. In the words of Australian poet Michael Leunig:

God lead us to the slow path; to the joyous insights of the pilgrim; another way of knowing; another way of being. Amen.